Back in the Saddle again

Well here we are again. I don't think you're ever prepared when your life blows up and at this point I've lost count of how many times it has. In many aspects of my life it has been like someone Lit a Match and then poured the gasoline on the bridge set fire to it and then blew it up with a bomb. That's how life feels these days. You feel numb and tired and alone. Lately the lupus has been acting up again. If we have to pinpoint they are pretty certain it is a direct effect of all the stress that I have had in my life for a minute now. No surprise to me. The dragon hates any form of stress and will rear its head at the first sign of it. Doctors have now suggested a second therapy along with my current one which is CellCept. We are going to be trying benlysta on for size. I'm not crazy about going back to monthly infusions. It brings me back to the beginning and kind of retriggers that PTSD of being 16 and sitting in a hospital bed for the next 7 years doing chemotherapy in hopes that my kidneys wouldn't fail . But I look at it this way in the very little free time that I do have these days because I'm currently working two jobs seven days a week, an extra 3 hours a month just sitting there relaxing while the infusion does its thing will do me some good. I talked to a friend of mine tonight one of the very few people I actually told what was going on. They suggested that I try something new at my infusions that way I can turn a negative into a positive. My best friend got me some crochet needles and yarn for my birthday and I have yet to start a project or finish learning the different stitches so I think it's a good place to start so that will be my plan once I start my infusions get my little relaxing bag together. Fill it with crochet needles and yarn coloring book and markers and my latest book and make the best out of it and cross my fingers and hope for the best that the magic poison does its job. I don't care how many masks we put on or how many times we do this in our times with lupus it never gets easier. But you can't stay in the depressive place it will do nothing but bring you down. So yeah you turn a negative into a positive and you keep swimming. So for the next two years of my life I'm going to learn how to crochet, color my little heart out and heal my inner child read my books to catch up on my massive book collection, stare at the palm trees out of the window and pretend I am on some Island drinking a mai tai or something. And when I'm not doing that I will get back to kicking ass and taking names. I'm in the gym 5 days a week these days and I can't sit here and tell you how good it's been for my mental health. Because this disease will absolutely beat you to your knees. For me the gym has become this way of taking my power back and reclaiming my body. With this disease you will sometimes feel like a stranger in your own skin. You'll feel stuck in a body that doesn't even feel like yours. But somehow you find a way to take your power back. U keep swimming, because you have to. Because you owe it to yourself even if it's for 1 minute to prove this disease wrong. It's never going to be easy I'm not going to sit here and lie to you like that. But you make the best of it and you keep swimming because that's all you can do. You take a deep breath and you walk through the door.  So here I go again taking that breath and walking through the door in hopes of looking toward that positive. Because at the end of the day you need that light to balance out all the darkness that this disease will bring.  You find your light and you cling to it as hard as you can because you will absolutely need it on the rough days. You find your light and you become the light and you don't let anything burn it out.