Hey guys! Here we are back in the saddle again. So I guess the big question is where the heck have I been since I dropped off the planet? Life happened. In the words of David Bowie Ch-Ch-Changes. I went back to school and threw myself down the proverbial rabbit hole. I spent 8 months doing nothing but living and breathing school. Somehow I came out the other side. It was kind of like running a marathon. There were moments where internally you are confident and you are thinking I've got this. Then there are the moments where you are huffing and puffing and feel like you will collapse at any second. Yea good times......Then add to it the roulette wheel that is Lupus and you are in for an unpredictable and wild ride. By the end I was just glad for a rest because I saw my health starting to decline. The thing that those without a chronic illness will never understand is the insurmountable courage it takes to go through what we do on a daily basis and not give up. We are the silent and invisible super heros. I don't know about you but sometimes I get tired of people telling me how strong they think I am when in reality I feel like the weakest person on the planet. It feels like that moment when superman's cape is taken away and he gets handed kryptonite and it makes him weak. Only difference for us is switch out a green glowing rock with an immune system that tries to throw us curve balls on a daily basis and there you have it. For me my lupus family was the fuel to my fire that kept me going day in and day out. My reason for pushing forward.
Its funny being chronically ill in a world full of normal functioning humans. You are expected to function at their level but yet as far as playing field goes its not even close to being even. They say you don't know what its like until you walk a thousand miles in someone else's shoes. Try walking around living one day in someone else's body knowing that if anyone else normal functioning would live in your body for one day they would gladly give it up in 5 minutes. Welcome to living in a body that is like a computer that is constantly on the fritz.
Its a funny thing walking around feeling like death some days when the normal people around you keep telling you how great you look and how they cant even tell you are sick. Behind the scenes you look great but internally feel like a walking zombie. Its that funny moment where healthy people expect you to look way sicker than what you appear. They say things to you like Wow! you function really well! Like they are amazed that you can stand upright at all, and in your zombie like pain haze you want to respond back with Thanks! it only took massive amounts of caffeine and 10 lb of makeup to look normal. However, internally you feel like your skin in on fire and that you are going to drop dead at any minute but yea Go Me! WooHoo (insert sarcasm here)
It is the great divide. You ride the line between being chronically ill and most days feeling like luke-warm soup and other days looking normal and feeling almost normal. (gasp) Here in lies the invisble superhero. Like Clark Kent and his superman alter ego you go back and forth. At the end of the day you just have to straighten your cape and walk away like the bad ass you are to fight the lupus kryptonite another day. It never ends. 21 years later with perfect bloodwork and all I still struggle with my daily symptoms and riding that line between being a super hero bad ass kicking lupus ass and taking names and being dropped to my knees because of a flare that was brought on by god knows what.
Its been a year of survival for me. Testing my limits and seeing how far I can go. On my worst days I would just keep repeating to myself just keep swimming. Just push a little further. Even when all I could do was basic function then come home and crash. I learned that you have to believe in yourself even a little. Even if you think you can't do it. You might just surprise yourself. Moral of the story my fabulous fellow super heros Just Keep Swimming. I'm not saying its going to be easy. You are going to want to quit a thousand times but when you do have those thoughts remind yourself why you started and push yourself just a little bit. You can do it. Remember your speed doesn't matter, forward is forward.
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