Happiness dont come cheap

Being strong isn't always a badge of honor. My whole life I've been told youre the strongest person I know. Like I had any choice in being strong? It was be strong or fall apart. Be strong or succumb to the dark side. There was no be strong and happy. Its hard learning to be happy when all you've ever known is "being strong". I never had time to just be and be happy because I spent decades in fight or flight. Decades of CPTSD from one traumatic thing behind another happening back to back. Like a freight train with zero signs of stopping.  I would say only within the last year had I been able to just be and be happy. And let me tell you after decades of chaos and trauma peace and happiness is something you have to make a conscious effort to do. It doesnt come easy. Retraining your brain is hard to see the happy things instead of thinking about all the bad things that could possibly go wrong. I recently had a hip replacement. Not only was it scary it was the roller coaster of emotions. Nurses and physical therapists encouraging me to walk and i did. That first step was terrifying. And again everyone cheering you on from the side lines. Maybe its me and therapy is calling my name again to get myself right. This hip replacement definitely flared up some PTSD memories of past medical trauma.  But I feel like I shouldnt get the cheers until I reach the top of the mountain. Theres victory at the top right? But as the great Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "Life is a journey, not a destination." Sometimes the journey to the destination feels like a road full of pot holes and with you wondering if you'll ever make it. Sometimes its hard to see in that moment, but you do. Kinda like right now for me. Its almost been 2 weeks since surgery. I can walk and even better walk with no pain. Im grateful for that fact alone. But right behind it came massive swelling of my leg and checks for blood clots. The swelling went down and no blood clots were found. Now the healing begins.  One foot in front of the other, literally. Learning to walk again. I just started walking with a cane. Very wobbly mind you but with a cane. I try to stay focused on the future and what life will be like once I get to the other side of this and I can walk again normally and no pain. Which for me is a wild concept because I haven't walked without pain since I was 15 or 16 years old. It's so weird the no pain thing. One day was like someone threw the switch. I sit here and think I have spent more than half my life walking around in excruciating pain instead of living my life. I always tried my best to live my life but it was always a you play you pay type situation. For every fun thing I ever wanted to do there was pain and rest involved just to feel so my normal again. I still don't know what it's going to look like when I get to the other side of this. But I hope it's being able to walk normal with no limp and no pain and just enjoying the simple things like walks with my partner or walks on the beach. So we will see what the future holds in this Uncharted Territory of this new pain-free life.