But you don't look sick! The phrase those of us in the chronic illness community have heard a thousand times and absolutely want to scream every time we hear it. I know my response always wants to be will please tell me what does sick look like So I can let my body know! I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still a struggle every day in my day-to-day interactions with people. you would think in this day and age with as many people that have invisible illnesses the judgement wouldn't be there but it definitely still is. For us we know what sick looks like, it's US. We are the ones that look normal but internally our bodies are waging war on us. The other thing we recognize is that look of utter exhaustion. The one that makes you feel like you have cement shoes on with every step you take. The I have slept for 15 hours but my body feels like it has slept for 1 kind of fatigue. The kind of fatigue that when normal people say they are tired you roll your eyes at them because they don't have the slightest clue what exhausted really is in the world of chronic illness. I don't know about you guys but for me a lot of the time I get tired of wearing the mask and pretending I'm Superwoman. I still struggle with learning to listen to my body and stay in my own lane when it comes to me thinking I can do it all. Newsflash Superwoman you can't. You will end up in bed for a week regretting it. For me sometimes I ride the line between Superwoman and actually coming to terms with the fact that there are times when I have to rest. Add a 40 hour a week job where it makes you feel like you are riding a roller coaster and physically you can't wait till the next day off just so you can do nothing but lay in your bed or on your couch because you are so exhausted you can barely move. Like these days I work a 40 hour a week job, try to maintain a social life or at least a small semblance of one, keep in contact with my family so they know I'm alive and spend some time with those I love with the few moments I do get when I actually feel good enough. Some days it's a daily struggle not going to lie. Then there are also the things I know I need to do such as errands, balancing doctors appointments, and that pipe dream I have of getting in the best shape of my life when in reality I am struggling sometimes just to get through a shift. Sometimes it's one step at a time one day at a time. Human nature makes people want to see the good in situations. With this disease is a combination of The Good, The bad and The ugly. Roll with the punches and keep going. In my case grab that extra cup of coffee or tea and keep rolling and try to avoid hitting that brick wall as best I can. I wish I had all the answers. You would think after 21 years and 15 of them in remission I would. But the truth is I'm blindly stumbling in the dark like everybody else with this disease that doesn't come with a roadmap. If it's the one thing I have vowed this year was to be a lot more honest with myself and on the blog. So here's to 2020 and living more honestly.
