RIP to who I used to be

This month will make 25 years since I was diagnosed with lupus. Also in that time frame came diagnosises of Avascular Necrosis, Fibromyalgia, Raynauds, and a slew of other fun diagnosis in the process. I'd like to sit here and tell u after 25 years you get over all the medical trauma that you went through and u embrace the new you you've become. But that's not how it goes for everyone. Thats not how it went for me. There's still things from the early days that Im traumatized by.  I was still a kid when this started. A kid making adult decisions about a disease I know nothing about, and at that time neither did the doctors.  Decisions that would have life long impacts and later being told well we did what we had to do at the time to save your life.  Getting diagnosed with a chronic illness changes the whole tradjectory of your life. I still mourn the me that never was. The person I could have been before my life changed forever. I always wonder what great things she would have done in a body where she was free to take on the world.  One of these days i will share my diagnosis story. Thats a story ill share with time. I don't really remember being pain free or life before lupus. Life is in flashes from that time period. They say that happens with trauma.  Its faint memories since I got sick so young. For others, they got sick later in life and remember life before an illness completely sidelined their life. I don't think its something you ever get over. I think you just get used to living in a body that runs like a bad car. One that's been in multiple car wrecks and is running on fumes and a prayer.  After so many years I feel like i should be an expert.  I still dont have all the answers. I wish I did. There's no guidebook to chronic illness how to deal with it or how to live with it.  Every day its get up, put one foot in front of the other and keep swimming. You either keep swimming or you drown.  Recently had someone ask me how do you do this every day? Meaning function with my conditions. To be honest with you I kind of looked at her like she was crazy. I just responded with honesty and told her I had no other choice. I did whatever I had to do to make it in life. I recently got dealt more bad news as far as my health goes I am not ready to share it publicly yet but it's definitely another blow. I look at it this way you have two choices in life give up or give it all you've got. At some point in my life I've wanted to do both. There were many times I had no idea how I was even going to put one foot in front of the other and get through the next moment let alone the next day. When you're chronically ill a phrase you hear a lot is you are such an inspiration. I promise you when we became sick being inspiring was not something we all initially wanted to be. I remember just wanting to be normal. Not inspiring just  normal. Go on my senior trip, go away to college and just live a normal life like everyone else. But I didn't get the normal life and that's okay. Because if somewhere along the way I can be inspiring and be someone else's guidebook to chronic illness then I've done my job. Good, bad or otherwise you play the hand you were dealt. There is no magic guide book. All you can do is just keep swimming.